Exodus 20:12 Study Guide: Honor Your Mother and Father

Community Group Study Guide — The Fifth Commandment - Honor Your Mother and Father
Exodus 20:12

Study Information:
This may be the most difficult command in scripture to wrap our minds and hearts around. In some sense it is straight forward, a godly relationship to one’s parents consists in honoring them. This commandment also points to how God loves family and created the family as a place where his ways are taught and where love, respect and support flourish. Yet, for many of us our deepest wounds have come from family, even our parents. Many of us reading this have come from broken homes, experienced abuse, or even lost our parents at an early age. What does honoring your parents mean in the ideal situation and what does it look like when there’s been a lot of difficulty?

The Blessing of Family
Exodus 20:12
First, we got to acknowledge that family is a blessing and God ties their prosperity in the promised land to their obedience to this command. Likewise, the fifth commandment shifts our attention away from how we love God (commandments 1-4) to how we love our neighbor (commandments 5-10). God started his answer to how we love our neighbor by focusing first on honoring one’s parents. Israel was ordered from bottom to top as family, clan, tribe and nation, meaning that the family was the bedrock of Israel’s structure. When relationships in the family are filled with love, respect and thanksgiving, society is more likely to flourish. For the people of God in particular, the promise was blessing in the land when this commandment was followed. Yet, we know that because of sin’s presence that family also becomes a place of unique hurt and challenge. One only needs to look at the families of prominent biblical characters like Abraham, Jacob and David to see this. Even with all the sins and evils committed, we should be extremely cautious to not throw out the ideal because of real pain or tragedy we may have experienced.

What does it mean to honor your mother and father? As small children, to honor your parents means to obey them. Paul pointed to the fifth commandment in Ephesians 6:1-4 telling children to obey their parents in the Lord and at the same time Paul instructed parents to no provoke their children to anger. Paul basically tells children to obey their parents and instructs parents “be easy to obey!” This implies a relationship between parents and children to be filled with respect and love. Children are not employees in a home or servants, they’re to be dearly loved and instructed in the Lord and led with care, and when that happens obedience will be more likely to come forth naturally. Sure, kids are kids and obedience will need to be taught, but the command from Paul correct both children and parents in their behavior in the home.

What does this look like as an adult trying to honor your parents? It should certainly be different than when you were a child! As an adult, with your own family identity through marriage or financial independence, you no longer have to obey your parents like you did when you were a child. Parents should not treat your adult children like they did when they were in elementary school. Parents have no right to tell their adult children how to use their money or time, especially if you’re 28 and living on your own or have your own spouse and children! As an adult, honoring your mom and dad means respect and gratitude for them. This is an important distinction because you are no longer under their authority but can still give them honor. In respect we receive advice from parents and look to them for wisdom, and in gratitude we receive that with thanksgiving. Yet, we are no obligated to obey like we were when living under our parent’s home and authority.

Honoring the Parents You Love
Some of us have really strong relationships with our parents and as we have aged we’ve developed more of a genuine friendship and love for them. This does not happen by accident, and to be cautious there is no formula to make this happen, but when Ephesians 6:1-4 and Exodus 20:12 are lived out this kind of outcome is more likely to happen. When parents have shown us that we’re loved and called out dishonoring behaviors, we’re more likely to grow up with a positive relationship, though again there is no guarantee. If it has been easy for you to love your parents, then honoring them probably comes fairly naturally. You can do things like include them into your lives, show them thanksgiving for the ways they invested in you over the years, maybe even help care for them as they get older (1 Timothy 5:8). You can also express your gratitude, pray for them and find opportunities to bless them. Render that there is no person on the planet who has been encouraged too much so you can celebrate the ways your parents succeeded and thereby give them honor.

Honoring Your Parents in Difficult Situations
How do you obey this commandment when life with your parents has been difficult? Some of us have lost our parents to death and honoring your parents right now looks like grief. Others, have been abandoned by parents and honoring them may consist of choosing to forgive as you lean into the church as your new family. What if you had bad parents who were far from honoring Christ in their parenting? It is important to notice that reverence does not mean we never rebuke or correct sinful behavior (1 Timothy 5:1). Our goal should be to rebuke in such a way that we build up and not tear down, but honoring parents does not mean turning a blind eye to their sin or thinking that everything they did was God honoring. There are times when we take issue with words and actions of our parents, and there are real abuses of power in families that need to be brought to light and repented of. We can show honor and Christ like love by having a heart of forgiveness and grace, as well as courage to talk about real hurts that hinder our ability to love and feel safe. Finally, in some situations honoring your parents will likely include having firm boundaries, but the honoring part comes in when you choose to let go of bitterness and resentment while at the same time protecting yourself from future hurt. It can be complicated, but worth wrestling with your own unique situation as you explore scripture and pray.

The Church as the Family of God
Ephesians 2:19
Finally, we need to keep one of the primary images of the church in mind in relation to this commandment. The New Testament described the church as a family and pointed to how we’re included into this family though the grace of Jesus Christ the son of God. Think about the early church and how for many coming to Christ meant being rejected by their parents over their new found faith. This is why the church is meant to be more than a place where you hear a good message and listen to some good music…., the church is meant to be a loving community characterized by family. Through the substitutionary death of Jesus we get brought into a relationship with God and God’s people marked by love. Whether your family was a place of safety and love or not, the good news is that you can be reconciled to a loving father through Jesus Christ. Even the best father in the world is only a small hint of the goodness of our heavenly father.

At your community group:
Take 15-20 minutes to share about how God has been at work in your life, prayer concerns and pray for one another.

How did God speak to you through the scripture and the sermon this week?

Discussion Questions:
Read Exodus 20:12

What are some reasons God begins the section of the ten commandments that focus on loving one’s neighbor with honoring one’s father and mother?

Describe what honoring your mother and father looks like as a child? What does it look like as an adult?

How can one honor their parents when there’s been real hurt or neglect in the home? How does the image of church as a family help someone who grew up in a hard home environment?

What are some ways you can put this commandment into practice this week? (If you've come from a difficult home environment, who has been a spiritual mother or father to you and how can you honor them this week?)