When Grief Comes to Church

Imagine that someone you love just suffered unimaginable loss. You see them for the first time since it happened—what do you say to them?

This isn’t a hypothetical scenario. Our hearts break for the many families in our church who have suffered loss in the last year. We want to help—we want to encourage—but we don’t know how. What should we do? What SHOULDN’T we do?

Over the last several weeks, I’ve sought out the wisdom of some of our members who have walked through grief themselves, and I want to share what I’ve learned from them in order to help us love those in our lives who are grieving.

First, here’s what NOT to do:

Don’t avoid them
This point is for those who already had a relationship with someone who suffered loss. It can be a temptation to avoid your grieving friend altogether rather than risk saying the wrong thing. Don’t. They need you, and they need your presence—even if it’s just a smile, a hug, or an “I love you and I’m praying for you.” (Rom 12:15)

Don't treat them like a celebrity
If you didn't already have a relationship with them, you may not be the best person to comfort them. If someone has just faced a significant loss it can be overwhelming to have strangers lining up to talk (Prov 25:17). A good guideline is if you didn't know them before their loss, don't feel obligated to talk to them. Contrary to how you may feel, they will not be insulted by your silence if you're not already close to them.

Don’t ask, “How are you?”
I know these words are a common greeting in our culture, but these three words sting those who are grieving. Their days often fluctuate between really hard and horrible, and they probably don’t want to talk about it in the church parking lot. It can be even more harmful to push and say things like, “No, how ARE you?” or “How are you REALLY doing?” This may feel like you’re trying to get past the greeting into a sincere conversation, but it can come across as pushy and insensitive. If the person wants to talk, they will invite you into their grief; never force your way in.

Don’t try to fix them
Don’t offer solutions or try to fix their grief. Avoid saying things like, “You just need to get away on a vacation” or “You just need to get some time for yourself.” If someone has lost a spouse, don’t jump into conversations about dating or getting remarried. If someone has lost a child, don’t remind them that they can still bear more children. These kinds of comments, while coming from a sincere place, are far more hurtful than helpful.

Don’t push them to be happy
Grief and lament are godly responses to the brokenness of this world. Don’t pressure a grieving person to feel joy prematurely. It is the Lord who turns mourning to dancing (Ps 30:11)—not us. Allow grieving people the time they need to heal from their pain.

Here’s what you SHOULD do:

Acknowledge their loss
Instead of “How are you?”, tell them “It’s good to see you” and “I’m so sorry for your loss.” People experiencing grief know that you can’t fix it, but they need to know that you’re on their side, that you see them, and that you’re not intimidated by the awkwardness.

Apologize if you mess up
Inevitably, we will make mistakes. If you ask a grieving person, “How are you?” and immediately realize your mistake, all you have to say is, “I’m sorry for saying that. I know it’s hard.” They’ll almost certainly appreciate the apology and respond with grace.

Look for comfort in your own circle
The whole church grieves when one person suffers (1 Cor 12:26), but when it comes to sharing your own grief, think of concentric circles: in the center circle is the family who has experienced the loss. The second circle is their relatives and close friends. The third circle includes the rest of their friends and church community. As those in the third circle, it’s best if we seek comfort from people who are either in the same circle as us or from those who are even further removed from the tragedy than we are. Be careful not to put your own grief on someone who’s closer to the tragedy than you are (Prov 29:11). They’re carrying a burden that’s heavy enough already.

Give them space
Re-entering church life after deep loss can be painful and awkward, and it’s best done slowly. Grieving people might prefer to arrive late, sit in the back, and leave quickly after the service instead of sticking around to chat. This is normal and healthy. Let them reintegrate into church life at their own pace, and don’t chase them down if they’re on their way out.

Pray and serve
The most helpful thing you can do for brothers and sisters who are grieving is to pray. You can intercede for them to our loving Father. As soon as they come to your mind, ask God to bring them peace and comfort. When you wake up in the middle of the night and think of them, pray for their sleep—they might be awake too. God may do more through your prayers than you ever could through your efforts alone. You can also offer to bring them meals, coffee, or DoorDash.

And don’t forget, our Savior was himself “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Is 53:3). But praise God, Jesus has defeated death, and when He returns, He will wipe away every tear (Rev 21:4). Until that day, let’s strive to love well those who grieve.


If you have questions or comments feel free to email me at jtrapp@westhills.org